Beautiful Bastard Review

Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

NOTE: Apparently, some people weren’t able to view the review correctly (the .gifs). If the problem still persists, please let me know.

WARNING: This review includes content that is not appropriate for those sensible to sexual situations. Read it at your own risk.

Okay, I didn’t mean that literally. Ew.

Okay, what’s with the trend of pulling fanfiction, publishing it, and pass it off as something original? First Cassandra Clare, then E.L. James and suddenly, an explosion of mindless knockoffs attack the publishing industry with their literary-herpes infection.
Just like herpes, there’s no cure but it is treatable. Unfortunately, no one wants to do anything about that. So it will keep spreading and spreading until it completely dominates the publishing industry and aspiring writers with ORIGINAL fiction will be rejected and be kicked off to the streets.
The simple thought of that sickens me.
(view spoiler)[By the way, that could be made into a great dystopian novel! (hide spoiler)]

Beautiful Bastard was originally a fanfic called The Office by tby789. It was perhaps the most famous (Not as famous as Wide Awake, though) Twilight fanfic on the Internet. According to the front (this thing isn’t even trying to hide that it was plagiarized!), the fanfic was view 2 million times. That’s actually very impressive. And then, the writers became money-hungry and PUBLISHED this with changed names. I haven’t read the fanfic yet, but apparently nothing much was altered to publish.
Fucking plagiarism.

The story is about Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen–Oops, my bad!–Chloe Mills and Bennett Ryan. Chloe works as an intern for Ryan, one of the most successful businessman. And here’s the catch: He is a bastard. A beautiful bastard.
The book starts with Chloe complaining (and at the same time fawning over) about Bennett’s assholeness. But, OMG! He is hot! Like it matters!
If the story could have ended right there, the story would have made more sense. Unfortunately, it was extended WAAAY too much and the plot became repetitive and boring.
Emphasis on BORING. But, more on that later.

I got to admit, the sex scenes were better written that FSoG, but they were still worth a few eye-rolls. Their dialogue is just so . . . I don’t know. They said the most cliched things in a sex scene. Or if they are not cliched, then they are just way over the top. That actually reminds me of a Harry Potter fanfic I once read last year where Harry goes to Hermione’s room to confess his love to her, and she kisses him passionately once he gets there. The kicker was that Hermione kept screaming: “TAKE MY VIRGINITY, HARRY!” Now that’s over the top and ridiculous. Talking about over the top and ridiculous, here’s an example from Beautiful Bastard:

“My nipples hardened, and I clenched my jaw in response. Traitor nipples.

Did that make you wet? Did that make your temperature rise and your body orgasm into submission? No? Told you so.
Oh, but there’s more:

He growled, fingers tightening. It occurred to me I might bruise, and for a sick moment I hoped I did.

I’ll just leave it there and make of that what you will.

After the sex, we get into Bennett’s head. Asshole isn’t even a strong enough word to describe him. He’s fucked up in every single way.
First, I’m going to show you some of his fuckery:

“Say it. You want to come, Miss Mills? Answer me or I’ll stop and make you suck me off instead.”

I’m still trying wonder how is this sexy.

Brain: a mess. Dick: Hard.
Well, hard again.

He’s such a dog in heat.

One of my recurring fantasies was of taking all the damned pins out of her hair before I grabbed a handful and fucked her.
God, she pissed me off.

He is so dreamy, y’all.

“I want you to watch. And tomorrow when you’re sore, I want you to remember who did it to you.”

I didn’t know Christian Grey was a guest star.

So here were the facts: I felt possessive of her. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in “hit over the head, drag her off by the hair, and fuck her” way.

At least you’re honest. It doesn’t change the fact you’re a piece of shit.

Joe, who was basically a good guy, but who wanted to take her away from me. The image was enough to make me push into her more forcefully.

Because Chloe is your property and she deserves to be punished over something that isn’t your business. Right.

And here’s probably the worst of all:

Music was being piped through overhead speakers, and I was glad I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping my voice down as I strangled her.

In context or not, this is not okay at all.

Her strangled sound made me smile,

Fuck you.

He is a control-freak, annoying, and a fucking pig. Bennett actually blames Chloe for not being able to keep his dick in his pants. HE BLAMES HER FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. If that doesn’t scream unfortunate implications, then I don’t know what does. In fact, Bennett called Chloe a “tease” because she happened to wear a dress he liked. Only because it made her look virginal.

The white dress was the bane of existence, my heaven and hell wrapped in one delicious package.

Dude, is just a dress. If you want it so badly, then why don’t you just wear it. Huh. That could have been a very interesting twist. Heh, heh, heh.
And did I mention he blames her for his dog in heat tendencies?

She did this to torment me, she had to.

Because all she ever wants to do to you is to incite you. Uh-huh.

“I have the power? You’re the one who pressed into my dick in the elevator. You’re the one doing this to me.”

Actually, YOU were the one who got on top of her! Apparently, it is never your fault!!

“You know, I think you wear those things to tease me.”

Because Chloe NEVER dresses for herself. If she wants to look good one day, it’s because she wants to incite you.

You want to know what the BEST part about him is? Do you? Are you sure? Okay, Bennett fantasizes about . . . wait for it . . . watching Chloe sleep.
Huh? HUH?

And this is proof that the authors didn’t altered their fanfic that much.

Well, now I told you anything you needed to know about Bennett Ryan, I think I’m done now.

Oh, my! How could I ever forget Bennett’s obsession with panties. After every sex scene, Bennett rips Chloe’s panties off and he keeps them in a case. HE KEEPS THEM FOR SOME REASON! It is never explained why he loves ripped panties but I’m going to bet that he does it to smell where her pussy has been. Either way, it’s insanely weird.

And what do I think about Chloe? I actually, don’t hate Chloe, but I do think she has the worst taste in men. Sometimes she is an idiot. Besides that, she’s average. Meh.

That got your attention? Good. Beautiful Bastard has a lot of sex. A lot. The protagonists have angry sex in every single chapter. I don’t mind sex. Specially the angry, kinky ones. Nice. But, you know what I do mind? Character development and chemistry. Bennett and Chloe have none of that. The only thing they do is argue,have SEXSEXSEXSEX, insult each other and keep panties in a case. Rinse and repeat. Ah, you did it again, insta-lust. And we are supposed to believe that they end up falling in love. That’s so laughable.
Here’s what Chloe and Bennett did for the entire novel
(view spoiler)[

(hide spoiler)]

And here’s the short version that applies to every (almost) chapter:
(view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)]

Poor genitals.

Like I said before, I don’t mind the sex. That doesn’t mean that I want to read about bland protagonists who have nothing in common.
This is pretty much Beautiful Bastard in a nutshell:

Okay, then they have this useless drama. Bennett treats her like crap behind her back, she got mad, she quit, got another job, two months pass (they fell in love in one month), they miss each other, they get back together.

I wasted a month of my life trying to finish this plotless, repetitive, boring piece of crap. I think this beats The Host as the most boring book I’d ever read.

It started funny, then it went downhill at the 35% mark. I hate it when I have to force myself to finish a book. UGH.
I hate plagiarism, I hate that being ordered around is considered sexy, and I hate lack of plots!
By the way, here’s a life lesson that Beautiful Bastard taught: Sleeping on top of a bed signifies love unlike other places.
The End.

I am so glad I am fucking done.


Enjoy this .gif of Sharon Stone going commando. Because I didn’t know what else to add. I’m miserable.